


hey boy (stay off)

by raspberrywildfire



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Family, Let Five Say Fuck 2019, Other, Periods, Siblings, Trans Character, Trans approved, Trans!Five, ive got that sweet sweet lore, mix of comic and book elements, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 06:47:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17934839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raspberrywildfire/pseuds/raspberrywildfire
Summary: Feared Corrector with 100% success rate, Five Hargreeves had messed up his maths so badly that his body managed to land smack bang in the middle of his period. Just shoot him already.





	hey boy (stay off)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [third puberty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17856182) by [caesarjoestar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caesarjoestar/pseuds/caesarjoestar). 
  * Inspired by [this world is not made for you (run boy, run)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17858798) by [sh_rkboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sh_rkboy/pseuds/sh_rkboy). 



> the show messed with the comic timeline so im messing with the show's 
> 
> pls suspend disbelief
> 
> also unbeta-d

Five stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, following the line of his too slim jaw with his fingers.  
  
“ _You look handsome_ ,” Delores told him from her vantage point on top of the cistern.  
  
It was a lie and he called her out on it, “I look young. So horribly young.”  
  
He ran a hand through his hair and frowned, thankful that he hadn’t gone any further back in his body’s past. His cropped, boyish haircut was infinitely better than the soft waves he had once had.  
  
He was still unused to seeing his youthful face again. Occasionally, he would catch a glimpse of his reflection in a window or car mirror and it would startle him. He had grown so used to his white hair that having colour in it again seemed wrong somehow, and he felt strangely robbed.  
  
He had earned his older body, owned every wrinkle on his face and callous on his hands. He had developed that body through living and through hard work. To have it wrenched from him was like losing a limb, or smudging a bit of his personal history. Like his crow’s feet and slowly sagging skin had recorded the past somehow, had writ the words of his deeds in his skin like some kind of morbid memoir. An irrational part of him feared that he would never get it back, that he would never look like that again.  
  
Worse still was that he was having difficulty remembering what it was like to be in this 13-year-old body. It had brought a sick twist to his stomach when he had first come back and felt the unwelcome and unmistakeable weight of his chest. And to add insult to injury, his calculations to bring him back to the past had brought him to the precise week of every month that he hated.

Feared Corrector with 100% success rate, Five Hargreeves had messed up his maths so badly that his body managed to land smack bang in the middle of his period. Just shoot him already. He got down on his knees and began to rifle through the cupboard. He found mouthwash, toothpaste, Advil (two of which he downed) and some shaving foam. Nothing that he was looking for; no pads or tampons hidden away. Of course there weren’t, no woman had lived in the house for years apart from Mom, and she was a robot for crying out loud.

He slowly rose to his feet and looked himself in the eye. He was going to have to do it. He was going to walk into a convenience store and buy sanitary products. That was doable right? Fuck, he had killed men without feeling this much anxiety.

Five was so eager to get under the knife again like he had when he first started working for The Handler. So eager to feel a needle slide under his skin, so impatient to finally start every day running a razor over his cheeks to keep the beard at bay.

“ _Well I think it’s cute. You look just like you did the day we met,”_ Five could hear the underlying amusement in her words.

He turned away from the mirror to shoot her a winning smile, “That makes two of us. You haven’t aged a day, dear.”

A knock on the door distracted him from his love. You’d think that in a mansion with half a dozen bathrooms he’d be peacefully left alone.

“Occupied” he called.

“Five,” came Allison’s voice through the door, “I just came to check up on you. It sounded like you’ve been through a lot so I just wanted-”

She paused a moment before continuing, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Five sighed and rested his head on the sink, of course his new look would trigger some kind of maternal instinct in her. Did he really look that helpless?

“I’m fine,” he replied tersely, before immediately feeling bad for being snippy when she just wanted to help, “I’m just cleaning up.”

“Just- call me if you need anything, okay?”

Five hummed the affirmative and waited to hear her footsteps clicking down the hallway before he lifted his head to stare at himself in the mirror again. As soon as he met his own eye, an idea struck. He ripped open the door and flung himself into the hall before he could second guess himself.

“Actually, Allison?” he called after his sister, face burning and hands curling into fists, “Do you have a tampon?”

The instant she turned around, he regretted his decision. The soft, almost pitying look on her face almost made him want to punch her. In fact, the only thing preventing him from doing so was that he wasn’t stupid enough to hurt the people actively helping him.

“Of course, Five,” she said softly, walking toward where he was rooted to the spot “Here, take my bag, they’re in the inside pocket.”

He grabbed the bag and micro-jumped back into the bathroom, determined not to spend a second more than necessary in that situation.

“ _That was sweet of her_ ,” commented Delores.

-

“I bought coffee when I was out,” Allison offered, pushing a cup to the chair opposite hers.

He set her handbag down next to her and cleared his throat, wincing how loud it was in the quiet kitchen.

“Thanks,” he said, accepting the cup and sitting down on the other side of the table. He hoped she understood it wasn’t just the coffee he was thankful for. There was silence for a moment as they sipped their coffee until Five broke it.

“Remember when we were eleven and you were captured by Dr Terminal? Is your hand still…?” he trailed off, eyes falling to where her forearms rested on the table.  
  
She smiled bitterly and took the cover off that Sir Hargreeves had made for her left arm, revealing the mechanics working inside. She twirled her fingers round a few times before strumming her fingers against the wood of the table so he could hear the deep sound it made.  
  
“Some fucked up things happened when we were young,” she sighed, covering her arm with the sleeve once more, “I’ve made my peace with the arm, but-“  
  
Five interrupted her, “They’re still happening and you’re still young.”  
  
“I’m thirty and a _mom_ , Five. The girl you remember grew up.”  
  
“This teen body may be flooding my brain with hormones but last I checked, you’re half my age,” he leaned back in his seat, keeping his hands wrapped around his mug, “You’ve a lot of life left to live, so let’s make sure that you get to.”

“So, what’s the biggest threat right now,” she asked him, deferring to him in a way that surprised him, usually Luther was the leader in her world, “Who should we be worried about?”

Five smiled down into his cup, “Believe it or not, the answer is me. The Temps Aeternalis want me out of the picture. They’ve been trying but I’m not that easy to kill. If they _really_ want me dead there’s a sure-fire way to kill me. It’s pretty drastic though so it’s definitely last resort.”  
  
“What’s that?” Allison’s brow furrowed in worry, “Should we prepare for a fight?”  
  
“Nothing like that, they’d just travel back in time and kill my birth mom.”  
  
“Just!” exclaimed Allison. There was a beat before she spoke again, this time her voice was soft and uneasy, “But that would mean-“  
  
“Killing Luther as well,” he finished for her when it was evident she couldn’t get the words out, “Yeah that’s why it’s last resort. It changes the future too much. The rest of you without Luther would be like herding cats.”

Five, having seemed to have finished his coffee or maybe feeling done with the conversation, stood up. “You want a sandwich?” he asked her.  
  
“Sure yeah,” she answered distractedly.

Her brother bustled around the kitchen, busying himself with taking out ingredients (lettuce, peanut butter, tomatoes, chicken and marshmallows) and starting another pot of coffee.

Allison was quiet for a while as she sipped her coffee and contemplated the apocalypse and the possibility of life without Luther. She had definitely lived without him, that’s for sure. But he had always been present in the stories she told her daughter and in the nights she would stay up to look at the moon, thinking what he was doing up there. She often wondered whether he was looking down at the Earth, thinking of her.

Her reverie was interrupted when Five placed a sandwich on a plate on the table and plonked himself down on the seat opposite her, peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich in one hand, coffee in the other. She looked down and was pleasantly surprised to see a sandwich with her favourite filing in front of her.  
  
“How do you remember that?” she asked incredulously. She was certain that in the list of things that were readily forgotten, the things that your sibling put in their sandwich came out on top.  
  
“Are you kidding?” Five asked, mouth full of bread. He swallowed before continuing, gesturing with his coffee all the while, “I spent years trying to get back here, partially to warn you guys about the apocalypse but also because I was so alone, even after I met Delores. I carried around Vanya’s stupid book for decades! Remembering things about you idiots was the only thing I could do to stop myself going mad.”  
  
Allison couldn’t help but think that it didn’t work so well as she cast her mind to Delores and how he fixated on her.  
  
“Look,” he said, trying to level with her, “I know you think I’m crazy. Don’t look so surprised, you forget that I know you.”  
  
She shook her head at that, “It’s been years. People change.”

He snorts, “Not that much, Allison. Don’t flatter yourself.”

 “You did,” she waved in his direction, “You’ve changed more than most.”

“Yeah,” he agreed with her, “And for the better.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh im cis so feel free to yell at me for stuff i got wrong
> 
> this fandom has broken my 6 year no-posting streak
> 
> im v old pls r&r no flames <3333
> 
> also read the inspired works theyre better


End file.
